My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
