I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
