You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
