Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
The beer is more important than you right now.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
