I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
