I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
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