If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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