He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
