Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
