I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
True but thats because hes a fetus.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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