Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
there is glitter all over my balls
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
So apparently I’m into choking now
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