I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
