Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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