I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I pour the whiskey from now on
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
