There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
