I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
