my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
