I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
