Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Randomize