I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
