Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Randomize
