I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
only if we run a train.
done.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
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