I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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