U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
