let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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