If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
