I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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