bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
