your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
