Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Randomize
