We won't sleep together?
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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