I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
These tits shall not be calmed
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
