Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
