I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
So apparently I’m into choking now
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
