I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
When are your genitals available?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
