I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
