I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Randomize
