I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I need to wash the frat house off of me
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
