got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
