the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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