i will never coherently bang her
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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