He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
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Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
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Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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