my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
