Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
