so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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