My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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