Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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