Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Oh god it's open bar.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
