Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
