My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I don't deserve a penis
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
