note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
