He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
PANTIES FOUND
Randomize
