I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
