Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
then he tried to convert me to islam
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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