you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
not ubering you a puppy
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
