So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
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