My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Who did Billy Mays play for?
you didnt know i had herpes?
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
