On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
